Thunder

For some reason, thunder and lightening scares me. It's like being alone in the strangers house and it's dark. But not really..

I had a really good day with Michelle, David, and Rachel yesterday. I learned a lot about them and got to know them better. We also saw the movie Ghost of Girlfriends Past. There was this one part that said you can't fully get over someone until someone comes along and you start to care about them more. That made me think a lot. Maybe I shouldn't wait to get over him, and start moving on to someone new? I'm not sure if I'm ready though.

I was talking to Nicholas and he said that our problem is we get too attached too young. We shouldn't have such long and serious relationships. Maybe he is right. I hate how I am letting this ruin my summer..again.

Everyone says Andrew and I should go out. Maybe if he wasn't such a dick we would. I'm good though. I don't want to be with anyone like that. It was so embarrassing though :|. He does have a girlfriend but he touches me so much. It's like meeeeh..

I'm chillen with Jessica, David, and Camron today. I'm excited. :]. Really excited.

This song describes me so well, and how I feel.
/:


If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

Dear God, where are you?

I am more determined then most realize to make this summer a good one. I am obsessed with my happiness and myself becoming everything of the word. I am going to do it with, or without Cody. With or without Gus. I am going to do it though. This Tuesday I did the unexpected, the one thing I thought I would never do. The unexpected carried on to the next day and I can't say I am the happiest about it because it has got me wanting it. It's not mine to want though. You, you are not mine to want.

Cody said today that God hates him, and that he can never be happy. I want his happiness. I want his love and to love him. I want him to be happy more then I want myself to be happy. I wish he new that. I wish he new that if he was with someone else, it would hurt. If it meant him happiness, it would be a hurt I am willing to feel. I wish he new that. I wish he would understand. I love him very much.

England has had the most confusing weather, but it is England, of course. I went to Greece for two weeks and got the most lovely tan. I am not going to hide the tan but show it off of course. I never liked my figure, my body, or anything about myself for that matter. So, now that I do I am going to make sure everyone knows when they see me. I have a nice tan.

I am finding happiness in things I shouldn't. God says no, but I keep saying yes. Why? Because I want it.
I need to listen to Joe.
I need to trust him.

Horny Hippies

Brandon craves attention, and he's left with people who are always going to give it. I love him like a brother, but Oh Lordy child. I am seeing Cody, and I swear I get butterflies every time I say that. I am so excited. Two weeks exactly and I'll be right were I should be. I have found that I don't care for the people who daily throw "Rwandan lies" in my face. Just tell me what I want to know, just make it simple. I don't want to have to figure you out, I want something simple. I am feeling happy about things right now. Anxiety can kiss my ass.
I am nervous for highschool, but over all I am happy and looking forward to whats infront of me.
I have a thing for Craig Owens. It's a dream, not reality. So, there is nothing to worry about, eh.
I am going to bed for 10 hours of lovely work tomorrow. Sounds like fun.

Just one wish, one person

If God said to me, "Beth, you can have one person back in your life. One person as your friend, and no one will say a single word. You wont get yelled at, you wont get punished, you wont get hurt for having them back. Who do you want that person to be?", I would say Gus. I miss him, I do so much. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel like I need him as a friend. He was always there for me, he really was. No one understood, I felt, like he did. I know I say Cody is that one person, but the one thing that is different about Gus is I felt like he meant what he said. He gave it to you straight. If he liked someone, he would say. If it was five million people he liked, he would say. I felt like I knew I wouldn't get cheated on, like I didn't have to ask my friends if anything was going down, because I already new. Nothing was. I do love him, I do, as a friend.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this about someone else? Am I cheating, but to myself. I don't love Gus in that way. I don't want to have him as all mine, like I want Cody. I want him as my friend, I want just a tiny bit of him. I feel like I am betraying Cody. If he read this I am sure I wouldn't hear the end of it, which is why I am keeping it to myself and the few who read, which I think is just about no one. I haven't told anyone this. I'm doing something wrong, I think..

Peel Your Clothing Off

He thinks that because I am not happy, that I have not found love. I think he is wrong, and I think he just only sees the negative in me. He can only see when I am upset. It is probably the fact that I go to him on when I need the advice, and I suppose that is using him, right? He tells me I am a good girlfriend and that I am a good person who isn't fake like many others. He also says that he respects me after yesterday, but I think I lost respect for myself. Nothing happened, but the possibility should of never been there in the first place. I shouldn't of said many of the things that I have. I am being good, and I am being better to Cody. He deserves it. I think that maybe the reason I haven't found trust is my own fault. I am not searching and trying enough. I don't want to blame the past and things that happened a long time ago. I want to let go and do good to him.


Thanks for everything
I'd like to peel your clothing off the way I always do
And have you naked on my bed, now I'm controlling you
You know you want it so bad
You know you want me so bad
In just a second you'll be asking me to lay with you
And I am contemplating when I'm gonna make the move
You know I want it so bad
You know I want you so bad
This occupation of stimulation is fabrication of me
I'm aggrivated and agitated, I guess I made it easy
I just can't seem to get myself out of this bed that I have made
I'd like to take you on tonight if that's ok with you
It's just the two of us alone, so what you wanna do?
I think I know the answer
I think I know how to melt her
And on occasion it'd be cool to sit and talk with you
On second thought I'd rather not, that's just too much to do
I think I know you better
I think I'll just forget her
This occupation of stimulation is fabrication of me
I'm aggrivated and agitated, I guess I made it easy
(Why did you treat me that way? )
I owe, I owe nothing at all
I owe you, I owe nothing at all
This occupation of stimulation is fabrication of me
I'm aggrivated and agitated, I guess I made it easy
I just want to hate you so bad but I can't

Just for you

I haven't updated in a while. I just saw Becca's comment, and I am sorry I never replied sooner. I am sure I can relate to you on what I was talking about easily and we haven't talked in ages.


I am going to Germany in two weeks again. I see Cody for Valentine's Day! I am so excited. I wish I could see my friends but I can't get everything! that I want. I am not sure what to do for a boy on V-day, but I'll figure something out I am sure. Cody and I are doing really good, and I had a long talk with Kc and we talked about a lot of things I was uncomfortable with. That meant the world to me. I really think Cody and I are going to work this time but I don't want to plan too far ahead.
Oh, and Gus I miss you. You seem to be doing good and I am happy for you.

I saw my shadow next to yours

I feel like I am craving happiness. I have you back and all I am worrying about is loosing you. I feel like I am worrying too much to enjoy what I have. That is all I do, worry worry worry. I want to trust you so bad. How do I gain my trust in you again? I just wish I new that nothing would happen. That everything you said to me you meant, that me loosing all my friends for you was really worth it. I want to know that no matter what everything you tell me is nothing less then the truth. I wish I just knew. I want to talk to someone about all of this but who would understand? I mean, I know there is people who went through what I have, but not many people understand both of us. I just want to figure this all out and talk it through but we have talked and talked but for some reason I feel like there is still some things that I need to say. I need to calm down. I don't know how to figure this out.