I'm going to write to pass time. I think I am just going to go out and find something to do. They are taking forever. :| Tonight should be fun. I still have to decide what I am going to do. Nate and friends or Jessica and friends. I don't know lolol. It's going to be freeazzzziiiiiing so I am going to wear my yellow hoodie. >:D I hope Kc feels better. She has it rough.
Nate's house should be funner. We are watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. No, it's not fucking hilarious, so you know. [:< We are the karate people who throw up the signs. We are halarious. >:D
Dear World, Good luck on finishing your homework, Gus. Don't stress yourself out. You don't deserve anything like that. Gus was amazing last night. He made me realise that I am scared of everything and I need to be..stronger? I guess you could say. I need to stop thinking of how things turn out and just do it for once. I talked to Sammy and Becca, or left them a comment anyways. That, for some reason, meant a lot to me. Between now and Friday I either have to sort things out with my mum or sister. I am taking it one at a time. Sunday should be the hardest. How do you tell someone you miss them when you are too afraid that they will just blow you off and not even reply. I don't want to be a coward and I'm sort of getting sick of saying I'm happy when it's really obvious that I miss how things were. This is the most open I have been with this in a long time. I hope I didn't make a mistake. I wish I didn't look at the outcome, it's just so hard not too. I will stop with Gus' help. He works miracles, I swear. The hardest part is being open that I love you. I love you. The End
Cute face slim waist, She's got em' in a craze, Yeah I think he's going crazy. When she speaks it makes me grind my teeth, Yet he still thinks she's amazing. And she's been playing games, Ever since 98', Shallow is as shallow does, Some people never change.
Sex sells, And your sex cells make all the lost boys drool. Cause you're a dime, But they'll have to wait in line, Until one of them makes it two of you. Cute face slim waist, You still got em' in a craze, Yeah I think I'm going crazy. I have a long list of things to say, But I'll leave it at, You amaze me.
I could wait a life time, yeah? I need to repaint these nails of mine. This song actually reminds me of Marcus.
Don't touch me. Don't get close to me like that again. Don't brush past my hand or grab my waist. Don't even look at me like you did. Don't ask me to get with you or ever to hang out. You made me feel nasty and I know for a fact that no one deserves that. I don't want you near me.
I walked in the house and I just started balling. I just had to get away from him. I feel violated. Today was pretty good up to now. I think you need to know, though, I love you so much.
I don't like how every single time he looked at me my face turned into a cherry. This is work and I am all red. Love affair. I don't know what it is. I don't even know him and I don't find him all that..specail. That sounds so mean but I just don't understand what makes him so..different. I don't like it because we are so different, you know?
I clung onto Cameron so tight that I swear someone would of thought we were a couple dating for months already. I was that scared. Nice..
I'm listening to Oxford Comma. I didn't even turn it to that song, it went on it's own.
I had the wierdest dream last night. I woke up and I began to wish that it wasn't a dream. Awh. Today I have work and I am craving a good nights sleep. I have Spanish II last and I know I am going to be trying so hard not to pass out. Please make it fun for us today. I wish they sold coffee. That actually does it. Unlike monster and such, it wakes me up. I think I am going to start getting ready. I know that when I come home I have a phonecall to Germany. >:], and that I am going to hang out after work, one way or another. I need to. Eight hours of work is not what I am looking forward too.
Not once have I ever taken a picture of myself and litteraly give it to someone in person or over the internet. I don't see why you ask me, or anyone for that matter. Lollll, HAPPYchild is pretty fun to talk to. ;]]] Work is pretty fun and I love how things are going right now. Nothing is wrong. Jinxxx, right? Baha. <3 You know, I agree with all the people. I do listen to some pretty wierd music. It's always so randomized and unheard of but most of my friends. My sister likes it. Tomorrow I am wearing my work shirt to school because it is that comforable. You know, I really didn't understand all the debates through all the bullitens. I just read all of the people's oppinions, but I never replied. You guys were way into this. Our Church was just trying to make a point, and it was in a way that was affecting on one else. I don't understand the fuss. I see Tony tomorrow! I love working, to be honest. I am going to try and work Sunday, too. That's an exact week of work a Christmas money. Matt makes fun of me because I don't buy my tea from the comissary. That's waisting the money you just made. Lol, yea. Saving up? I only made $36 in all. Oh, and thanks Tania. Brandon and I aren't dating, ever. I love him so much, just not in that way. ;] I am going to bed.
I defiantly did not go back and check what I wrote. Errors.
Dear Gus, Since you're a bit rough, I'm writing this one for you. I don't even want blogspot anymore, but you want me too, so here I am writing in it, lolol. I have to work all this week, so ontop of you not being aloud on the computer all the time, I am not even getting on until after seven o'clock. Fuck a duck, huh? Anyways, I realised, with Joe's help, that being single is better. I realised I am a lot happier, and I do more of what I want. I am also dying my hair sometime this week, which is going to make things better. My dumb roots. Ohh, Wow, I can get sexual too just came on. That song is so funny. I hope you are okay, babe. The reasons for you getting introuble are dumb and I am going to miss you a lot. Cheer up. Do what I do. When I am feeling down I think of that conversation we had on the phone when you said you and you know who are talking. Broken Jars Of Jelly! It always makes me smile. You and Kendra will get through it too, I know it. I love you. ;] Jeeese-laweeeese working at the comissary is fun, but like..worksome. I am working all this week and I am going to try and work Sunday. My back is killing me. Maybe I am like "what's his name" from Church. I am like..20 years older then I really am. If that makes sense? 26..80! you mean? Right? We're halarious. Meeees and my insiders. Make more with me! ;]
honey, don't give yourself away to boys!!! God loves you and it breaks his heart! You might think I'm crazy, and I'm sorry if you do, but I am totally serious. I know he's there and he's watching out for you. I understand that you care, although I don't know who you are. I just don't understand why you are telling me I am giving myself away to boys. It's been two months, when you haven't had a boyfriend for a long time, someone likes you, and you like them, why not give it a go? Austin doesn't ask for anything, doesn't try to do anything I'm not ready for, and he isn't a jerk to me. I don't love him or any of that stuff, I only like him and I'm glad he's my boyfriend. We are cute and I'm happy with how things are. I don't rely on him that much, if at all, and I get so nervous telling him things. I can barely open up to him because I get that nervous. If God has a problem when me being happy and moving on, then I don't know what to do to make him happy. I don't look at God in that way though. God is with me with all of my decisions, and there to get me through the wrong ones. Thank you a lot though. I understand you care.
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Pretend it's not forever I'll pull myself together I'll say that I'll forget her I'll breathe
And I'll say she never hurt me And look at it as learning And laugh about the good and the bad
Because I will live forever We don't belong together I know I'll feel better One day when I can make it through
Counting down Till you mess around And I know you can't ever change When I'm trembling Thrown overboard When I'm ready to relive the past
I won't forget you I'm not gonna let you win I'm tired of the lying Tired of fighting you And it's not gonna change
I was thinking about things really hard last night. I was almost in tears about it all. I don't like how it just all comes back, all at once. It's disapeared then all of the sudden that is all I can think of. I don't really know what to do.
If you be my star I'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black and you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat I'll be your sea a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze I live to make you free I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you far from here where the beaches are wide just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star I'll be your sky you can hide underneath me and come out at night when I turn jet black and you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy far from here with more room to fly just leave me your stardust to remember you by stardust to remember you by
Dear Gus, Jeese, today was brand new. I swear I realised so much today. I feel like I found myself again or something. Austin understands me better and I think I understand him better. He cares, and that's what got my throught he past day or two. Karissa, I swear she is like the light in my darkness. She makes me realise so much. So, for now on I am going to live every day like it's my last. I tell my things straight with Austin, even if it's really hard. >:) I tell people how I feel instead of hiding. I know who and who not to trust. Gus ofcourse is one of those people. Cute texts that make me smile and reading wierd antichrist notebooks. Hitting your shoulder at cars that don't even make since. Shouting nigger for the hell of it. We are some great wannabes, eh? So, I am starting out small though. One-talk to the ex. Eventually-Becca, Amber or something. For here, though, In England, honesty. I'm working on it. Tomorrow, Austin and I are hanging out hopefully. I have butterflies like crazy. Already! Oh hey! Oxford comma is on. I'm going to bed. Night.
Dear Gus, Today I realised a lot of things. Even though I didn't talk to you today I wouldn't of listened to what Karissa was saying if I haven't been talking to you. I am going to try and live more and more for the day. I started tonight and things went from terrible to really good. I said what I felt and I trusted Austin with it. He dealt with it so good and I just couldn't stop smiling. I am so happy with what I have. I was told today that you have to put yourself out there, knowing that in the long run theres a good chance you get hurt. But honestly, what more can happen? I mean a death..is pretty much it. I've been cheated on, dealt with two deaths, lost good friends, depressed, crying nonstop. I mean come on, I sound like a mental child. I need to enjoy life a bit more. My serious moment is over. >:) You know? You should listen to Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend. It's a really cute song. One day, when my playlist is done I am going to uploed it on here. It's has the randomest things ever. Music, I got my zune back yesterday. I was so happy. It's brand new and everything. Oh, and Gus..you are the peanutbutter that I never had..ate. Our phone calls are amazing and you always make the stubborness leave in the end. Thanks for sticking with me when no one else would and being honest about things. You make life easier every day.
I can't stop crying. I am balling so hard it hurts.
Subject Change Gus was right. Asking him was just going to get me hurt. I do something because I am sick of seeing the same things and getting upset and just trying to keep things alright. I don't really understand. What was I supposed to do? Ignore it. I guess I realy should of, it's just that it's hard. I don't like how half the time I never know how to react. Do I email her back, him back? I am just going to try to ignore it. I don't understand at all why they did what they did when I was trying as hard as I could not to be mean and I had no intentions to in the first place.
Dear World, Austin said that today he should hopefully come on base. I can't wait to see him, again. I don't have to work this week so I'm really happy about that. It also means that next week no eye appointment or Godparent. We also have monday of so that means more time to hang out. I think I am going to tell him about what happened today and see what his reply is. I've never opened up to him yet and I have to start somewhere. That's all.
Dear gus, Okay, so this person who keeps walking around thinking that they have me down, really, love, you don't. Okay so Austin lives here? I don't see why people think that I am doing this huge long distance bull. I learned my stuff. Please, just leave me alone. I really don't want to hear all you have to say and if you really don't like me that much please delete me. I don't like drama, at all. I have a low enough selfasteem. :| I was in the bath room today, and I looked at my stomach and a huge thing over worry came over me. I'm doing it again. It's been a whole two months and I'm worrying? I no I am not going to stop worrying unless the person that did this confirms me that it's all not true, but I am never letting that happen. Ever again. I need to stop all of this. Guess what? What's that?! You're beautiful. I can't stop smiling. I get this bubbly feeling inside and I just want to never let go. Is he a good kisser? WELL! All I am going to say is he has the softest face and I love being close to him. I know I'm lame as hell, but I don't care. I am really happy. Oh, and most of all. Karissa, babe..cheer up. Things always get better. Remember [and it's sad that I'm saying this right after I talk about Austin, this does not include him or gus] guys think with there dicks. You deserve the world as well. You honestly do. You are an amazing person all over. That's all.
Today is my sisters b-day party, meaning I can't go to the games. Bleh, I am really pissed about it. Ramstien is playing..ramstien. Lol, but tomorrow should be a lot better. I get nervous thinking about it. I dont know know why, lol. But, today I caught up with Zerias. That was nice. I hope him and monique work things out. Yesterday was a lot of fun. I left Josiah's blanket that he gave me at karissa's. I was pretty pissed at myself for that. The bonfire was good and John's band was great. I was wrong. I do NOT hope him and Monique work things out. What he did was wrong..and really gross.
In the end I was aloud to go to the games, and lakenheath lost both. It's wierd knowing everyone is out at homecoming and I am sitting at home..doing nothing. Lol, but we set up rockband and are jamming out to that. Austin comes home tonight and tomorrow we are hanging out. I am really nervous. I was talking to Z today and I was telling him how it's wierd calling him my boyfriend, and not my ex. I feel like that's wrong and I don't know what really to say to it. Z said he felt 50/50 when he went out with Monique and he didn't date for like four months after, [just getting tang like no other mofo during that time], and mine is only two months. That's a long freaking time for me. Blah. I think way, way too hard.
I was so wrong. So, so so wrong. He is not another him, and we are never turning into that again. He is so much more, and I just underestimated him. We all have our rough times, and I didn't find the way to respect that. I need my bestfriend just like my bestfriend needs me. And you know what? I am so sick of Michelle, Bloo, Becca and just all of that stuff. I noticed something. I havent had drama since August, pretty much. You know how much easier things are? Jeese, I barely worry anymore. I am happier a lot more often now. I mean, I am finally coming back, you know? I only say what I feel on blogspot, and only my peanutbutter and them read it. It's smarter.
Posotive: I couldn't stop smiling today. Today was a lot of fun in the end, too. I never went to the school dance, but oh well. I'm nervous/ excited for sunday [:
bethany! [: says:1-the 2nd of every month is my exs and mine anv. and the yesterday was the first ataustin and i started going out, and 2- im austins for gf in TWO years bethany! [: says:so he must see soomethin different in me I Miss you and wish you missed me too says:yeah he much really like you like he said he did lol bethany! [: says:did he really?!
Im no longer a single pringle.
Babe, you better cheer up. You mean so much and no boy is going to change that. I want the old you back, the one I love. ]:
So, he likes me. I was so nervous I though my stomach was going to explode with butterflies. I danced for like 20 minutes. [: I feel like such a kid, but I'm so happy. Tomorrow..
