Early Present

I'm in Love, and this time I am going to do something about it. The past two days were absolutely amazing, and I am not letting them change. I'm not loosing you again, I can't.

Here we go again

Here's the truth. I lied every single time it asked if I have ever been in Love in a survey. I don't know why, but it's like I just don't want to admit to myself that I lost love. That it went away, died. I want to be that one person who has never lost anyone. I think about this a lot and I always end up with maybe it's because I never lost you. I still love you, I still care..want. I never lost anything. I still have you deep down inside my heart you are still mine. I don't even care if you hate every single cell in this body of mine. I don't care about any of that. I just care about you as a person and what you gave me so long ago. The most pathetic thing of all of this is that you never pop in my head everyday, it's more like you just never left. It's been four months yesterday, move on. I just feel all hiden and pathetic but I don't care. And most of all, I don't care about what those girls say. They are just talk. I care about you and most of all I care about me. I have a choice of who I want.

Over Over Ov3r

Tonight you guys were beautiful. Everyone was. I am so happy with how things turned out.
LOL! I just couldn't stop laughing. I LOVE! how they talk about me so much. My friend noticed it, too. They just go on and on and on and on. IMMATURE?! IMMATURE?! Yeah..you have no clue. I honetly don't like what you have become. Sometimes people need to just take there own advice. No one likes it.
I have had an amazing past few weeks. I have realised a lot. My friends are the most amazing people in the entire world. I am so happy with my life.
The turkey trot turned out pretty good. 108 teachers and kids. Good job. Joey and JT got 1st and 2nd place. Good job you guys. Jessica was screaming on the top of her lungs, "COME ON COME ON COME ON!" I couldn't stop laughing. You guys really did great though.
I am also superly duperly excited for tonight. Kiki is going to have the best party in her life. Lol. I am so excited! My hair is in curlers right now.
Oh, and I am who I want to be. Haha!

Every little bit

On top of being a vegetarian I am not drinking soda. Every little helps, yeah?
This week was interesting but a good one. Today was a lot of fun. [;
I think I am going to watch Bambi.

Hatred

All my anger is coming out. It's overflowing on those who cause it. It's terrible.

This is new

I work tonight and I'll most likely go out after that. I think it is sort of sad how much I enjoy work. It's a lot of fun though and you get money and chill with friends and things happen and Andy and Luke and Owen and all that put together, you begin to like it. Tomorrow I should be going to London and the day after and the days following should be Beckrow.
I am so happy for once. I don't feel like I am trying it's just that I am avoiding what normaly bothers me all the time. I'm erasing it and I don't care about what anyone says.
Yeah..[:

Smile for me

Monday was amazing. Boys are amazing. You are amazing.
<3

I'm so good at this

What did I do?

Trick-o-Treat

I'm going to write to pass time. I think I am just going to go out and find something to do. They are taking forever. :|
Tonight should be fun. I still have to decide what I am going to do. Nate and friends or Jessica and friends. I don't know lolol. It's going to be freeazzzziiiiiing so I am going to wear my yellow hoodie. >:D
I hope Kc feels better. She has it rough.


Nate's house should be funner. We are watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. No, it's not fucking hilarious, so you know. [:< We are the karate people who throw up the signs. We are halarious. >:D

Deerdra, right?

Make me happy, like you do.
Baggg-bagggg! It's better then der-der.
We are so stupid. We have more insiders then anyone else in the school.

Swing to the side

Dear World,
Good luck on finishing your homework, Gus. Don't stress yourself out. You don't deserve anything like that. Gus was amazing last night. He made me realise that I am scared of everything and I need to be..stronger? I guess you could say. I need to stop thinking of how things turn out and just do it for once.
I talked to Sammy and Becca, or left them a comment anyways. That, for some reason, meant a lot to me. Between now and Friday I either have to sort things out with my mum or sister. I am taking it one at a time. Sunday should be the hardest.
How do you tell someone you miss them when you are too afraid that they will just blow you off and not even reply. I don't want to be a coward and I'm sort of getting sick of saying I'm happy when it's really obvious that I miss how things were.
This is the most open I have been with this in a long time. I hope I didn't make a mistake. I wish I didn't look at the outcome, it's just so hard not too. I will stop with Gus' help. He works miracles, I swear. The hardest part is being open that I love you. I love you.
The End

She's so fine, Oh so fine

Cute face slim waist,
She's got em' in a craze,
Yeah I think he's going crazy.
When she speaks it makes me grind my teeth,
Yet he still thinks she's amazing.
And she's been playing games,
Ever since 98',
Shallow is as shallow does,
Some people never change.

Sex sells,
And your sex cells make all the lost boys drool.
Cause you're a dime,
But they'll have to wait in line,
Until one of them makes it two of you.
Cute face slim waist,
You still got em' in a craze,
Yeah I think I'm going crazy.
I have a long list of things to say,
But I'll leave it at,
You amaze me.

I could wait a life time, yeah? I need to repaint these nails of mine.
This song actually reminds me of Marcus.

Church whore

Don't touch me. Don't get close to me like that again. Don't brush past my hand or grab my waist. Don't even look at me like you did. Don't ask me to get with you or ever to hang out. You made me feel nasty and I know for a fact that no one deserves that. I don't want you near me.

I walked in the house and I just started balling. I just had to get away from him. I feel violated. Today was pretty good up to now.
I think you need to know, though, I love you so much.

New Cupid Oh, Mmm

I don't like how every single time he looked at me my face turned into a cherry. This is work and I am all red. Love affair. I don't know what it is. I don't even know him and I don't find him all that..specail. That sounds so mean but I just don't understand what makes him so..different. I don't like it because we are so different, you know?

I clung onto Cameron so tight that I swear someone would of thought we were a couple dating for months already. I was that scared. Nice..


I'm listening to Oxford Comma. I didn't even turn it to that song, it went on it's own.

Dear You know Who

I dreamt about you all last night. You had beautiful blue eyes.

Bad dreams

I had the wierdest dream last night. I woke up and I began to wish that it wasn't a dream. Awh.
Today I have work and I am craving a good nights sleep. I have Spanish II last and I know I am going to be trying so hard not to pass out. Please make it fun for us today. I wish they sold coffee. That actually does it. Unlike monster and such, it wakes me up. I think I am going to start getting ready. I know that when I come home I have a phonecall to Germany. >:], and that I am going to hang out after work, one way or another. I need to. Eight hours of work is not what I am looking forward too.

Oxford Comma

What is the


deal with all these


people asking for


nudes!?"

Not once have I ever taken a picture of myself and litteraly give it to someone in person or over the internet. I don't see why you ask me, or anyone for that matter.
Lollll, HAPPYchild is pretty fun to talk to. ;]]]
Work is pretty fun and I love how things are going right now. Nothing is wrong. Jinxxx, right? Baha. <3 You know, I agree with all the people. I do listen to some pretty wierd music. It's always so randomized and unheard of but most of my friends. My sister likes it. Tomorrow I am wearing my work shirt to school because it is that comforable.
You know, I really didn't understand all the debates through all the bullitens. I just read all of the people's oppinions, but I never replied. You guys were way into this. Our Church was just trying to make a point, and it was in a way that was affecting on one else. I don't understand the fuss. I see Tony tomorrow! I love working, to be honest. I am going to try and work Sunday, too. That's an exact week of work a Christmas money. Matt makes fun of me because I don't buy my tea from the comissary. That's waisting the money you just made. Lol, yea. Saving up? I only made $36 in all. Oh, and thanks Tania. Brandon and I aren't dating, ever. I love him so much, just not in that way. ;] I am going to bed.

I defiantly did not go back and check what I wrote. Errors.

Red nail polish

Dear Gus,
Since you're a bit rough, I'm writing this one for you. I don't even want blogspot anymore, but you want me too, so here I am writing in it, lolol. I have to work all this week, so ontop of you not being aloud on the computer all the time, I am not even getting on until after seven o'clock. Fuck a duck, huh? Anyways, I realised, with Joe's help, that being single is better. I realised I am a lot happier, and I do more of what I want. I am also dying my hair sometime this week, which is going to make things better. My dumb roots.
Ohh, Wow, I can get sexual too just came on. That song is so funny.
I hope you are okay, babe. The reasons for you getting introuble are dumb and I am going to miss you a lot. Cheer up. Do what I do. When I am feeling down I think of that conversation we had on the phone when you said you and you know who are talking. Broken Jars Of Jelly! It always makes me smile. You and Kendra will get through it too, I know it.
I love you. ;]
Jeeese-laweeeese working at the comissary is fun, but like..worksome. I am working all this week and I am going to try and work Sunday. My back is killing me. Maybe I am like "what's his name" from Church. I am like..20 years older then I really am. If that makes sense? 26..80! you mean? Right? We're halarious.
Meeees and my insiders. Make more with me! ;]

I live to let you shine

I cried over you today, again.

Once again

honey, don't give yourself away to boys!!! God loves you and it breaks his heart! You might think I'm crazy, and I'm sorry if you do, but I am totally serious. I know he's there and he's watching out for you.
I understand that you care, although I don't know who you are. I just don't understand why you are telling me I am giving myself away to boys. It's been two months, when you haven't had a boyfriend for a long time, someone likes you, and you like them, why not give it a go? Austin doesn't ask for anything, doesn't try to do anything I'm not ready for, and he isn't a jerk to me. I don't love him or any of that stuff, I only like him and I'm glad he's my boyfriend. We are cute and I'm happy with how things are. I don't rely on him that much, if at all, and I get so nervous telling him things. I can barely open up to him because I get that nervous. If God has a problem when me being happy and moving on, then I don't know what to do to make him happy. I don't look at God in that way though. God is with me with all of my decisions, and there to get me through the wrong ones.
Thank you a lot though. I understand you care.

----

Pretend it's not forever
I'll pull myself together
I'll say that I'll forget her
I'll breathe

And I'll say she never hurt me
And look at it as learning
And laugh about the good and the bad

Because I will live forever
We don't belong together
I know I'll feel better
One day when I can make it through

Counting down
Till you mess around
And I know you can't ever change
When I'm trembling
Thrown overboard
When I'm ready to relive the past

I won't forget you
I'm not gonna let you win
I'm tired of the lying
Tired of fighting you
And it's not gonna change

I was thinking about things really hard last night. I was almost in tears about it all. I don't like how it just all comes back, all at once. It's disapeared then all of the sudden that is all I can think of. I don't really know what to do.

I live to let you shine

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

Shiny red, blue, and yellow car! Super combo!

Dear Gus,
Jeese, today was brand new. I swear I realised so much today. I feel like I found myself again or something. Austin understands me better and I think I understand him better. He cares, and that's what got my throught he past day or two. Karissa, I swear she is like the light in my darkness. She makes me realise so much. So, for now on I am going to live every day like it's my last. I tell my things straight with Austin, even if it's really hard. >:) I tell people how I feel instead of hiding. I know who and who not to trust. Gus ofcourse is one of those people. Cute texts that make me smile and reading wierd antichrist notebooks. Hitting your shoulder at cars that don't even make since. Shouting nigger for the hell of it. We are some great wannabes, eh?
So, I am starting out small though. One-talk to the ex. Eventually-Becca, Amber or something. For here, though, In England, honesty. I'm working on it.
Tomorrow, Austin and I are hanging out hopefully. I have butterflies like crazy. Already!
Oh hey! Oxford comma is on.
I'm going to bed. Night.

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?

Dear Gus,
Today I realised a lot of things. Even though I didn't talk to you today I wouldn't of listened to what Karissa was saying if I haven't been talking to you. I am going to try and live more and more for the day. I started tonight and things went from terrible to really good. I said what I felt and I trusted Austin with it. He dealt with it so good and I just couldn't stop smiling. I am so happy with what I have. I was told today that you have to put yourself out there, knowing that in the long run theres a good chance you get hurt. But honestly, what more can happen? I mean a death..is pretty much it. I've been cheated on, dealt with two deaths, lost good friends, depressed, crying nonstop. I mean come on, I sound like a mental child. I need to enjoy life a bit more.
My serious moment is over. >:)
You know? You should listen to Oxford Comma by Vampire Weekend. It's a really cute song. One day, when my playlist is done I am going to uploed it on here. It's has the randomest things ever. Music, I got my zune back yesterday. I was so happy. It's brand new and everything.
Oh, and Gus..you are the peanutbutter that I never had..ate. Our phone calls are amazing and you always make the stubborness leave in the end. Thanks for sticking with me when no one else would and being honest about things. You make life easier every day.

Gus is always right

I can't stop crying. I am balling so hard it hurts.

Subject Change
Gus was right. Asking him was just going to get me hurt. I do something because I am sick of seeing the same things and getting upset and just trying to keep things alright.
I don't really understand. What was I supposed to do? Ignore it. I guess I realy should of, it's just that it's hard.
I don't like how half the time I never know how to react. Do I email her back, him back? I am just going to try to ignore it. I don't understand at all why they did what they did when I was trying as hard as I could not to be mean and I had no intentions to in the first place.

Dear World,
Austin said that today he should hopefully come on base. I can't wait to see him, again. I don't have to work this week so I'm really happy about that. It also means that next week no eye appointment or Godparent. We also have monday of so that means more time to hang out. I think I am going to tell him about what happened today and see what his reply is. I've never opened up to him yet and I have to start somewhere.
That's all.

October 1

Dear gus,
Okay, so this person who keeps walking around thinking that they have me down, really, love, you don't. Okay so Austin lives here? I don't see why people think that I am doing this huge long distance bull. I learned my stuff. Please, just leave me alone. I really don't want to hear all you have to say and if you really don't like me that much please delete me. I don't like drama, at all. I have a low enough selfasteem. :|
I was in the bath room today, and I looked at my stomach and a huge thing over worry came over me. I'm doing it again. It's been a whole two months and I'm worrying? I no I am not going to stop worrying unless the person that did this confirms me that it's all not true, but I am never letting that happen. Ever again. I need to stop all of this.
Guess what? What's that?! You're beautiful. I can't stop smiling. I get this bubbly feeling inside and I just want to never let go. Is he a good kisser? WELL! All I am going to say is he has the softest face and I love being close to him. I know I'm lame as hell, but I don't care. I am really happy.
Oh, and most of all. Karissa, babe..cheer up. Things always get better. Remember [and it's sad that I'm saying this right after I talk about Austin, this does not include him or gus] guys think with there dicks. You deserve the world as well. You honestly do. You are an amazing person all over.
That's all.

Practice makes perfect

you look beautiful in dis i can't stop smiling.

Today is my sisters b-day party, meaning I can't go to the games. Bleh, I am really pissed about it. Ramstien is playing..ramstien. Lol, but tomorrow should be a lot better. I get nervous thinking about it. I dont know know why, lol. But, today I caught up with Zerias. That was nice. I hope him and monique work things out. Yesterday was a lot of fun. I left Josiah's blanket that he gave me at karissa's. I was pretty pissed at myself for that. The bonfire was good and John's band was great.
I was wrong. I do NOT hope him and Monique work things out. What he did was wrong..and really gross.

In the end I was aloud to go to the games, and lakenheath lost both. It's wierd knowing everyone is out at homecoming and I am sitting at home..doing nothing. Lol, but we set up rockband and are jamming out to that. Austin comes home tonight and tomorrow we are hanging out. I am really nervous. I was talking to Z today and I was telling him how it's wierd calling him my boyfriend, and not my ex. I feel like that's wrong and I don't know what really to say to it. Z said he felt 50/50 when he went out with Monique and he didn't date for like four months after, [just getting tang like no other mofo during that time], and mine is only two months. That's a long freaking time for me.
Blah. I think way, way too hard.

Look at me

I was so wrong. So, so so wrong. He is not another him, and we are never turning into that again. He is so much more, and I just underestimated him. We all have our rough times, and I didn't find the way to respect that. I need my bestfriend just like my bestfriend needs me.
And you know what? I am so sick of Michelle, Bloo, Becca and just all of that stuff.
I noticed something. I havent had drama since August, pretty much. You know how much easier things are? Jeese, I barely worry anymore. I am happier a lot more often now. I mean, I am finally coming back, you know? I only say what I feel on blogspot, and only my peanutbutter and them read it. It's smarter.


Posotive: I couldn't stop smiling today. Today was a lot of fun in the end, too. I never went to the school dance, but oh well. I'm nervous/ excited for sunday [:

Happy Celebrations

bethany! [: says:1-the 2nd of every month is my exs and mine anv. and the yesterday was the first ataustin and i started going out, and 2- im austins for gf in TWO years
bethany! [: says:so he must see soomethin different in me
I Miss you and wish you missed me too says:yeah he much really like you like he said he did lol
bethany! [: says:did he really?!

Im no longer a single pringle.

Babe, you better cheer up. You mean so much and no boy is going to change that. I want the old you back, the one I love. ]:

So, he likes me. I was so nervous I though my stomach was going to explode with butterflies. I danced for like 20 minutes. [: I feel like such a kid, but I'm so happy. Tomorrow..

Whoes going out with Austin? October 1, 08 [:

Two birds stoned at once

I am posting way to many blogs, but this is worth it. BMTH new cd out, but most of all, Chiodos has a new song. I really, really like it. He has an amazing vioce.
11) Are you afraid to say the Nword?
Naggers?
naw?
NUKKA?

Bad news

I have the biggest crush. I feel like such a kid. Karissssa made all this happen <3
-I get annoyed really easily
-The thought of brandon getting ran over scares me the most of everything
-Portions for Fozes by Rilo kiley describes me better then any other song, you should look it up sometime
-Im scared of the dark at places im not comfortable at
-July 2008-September 10 was the hardest time of my life
-When I dont want to remember things, i easily forget them
-Im a quiet person. That is surprising to people who new me a last summer and such
-Mr. silverstien is the scariest person I have ever met
-I dont know my natural haircolor
-my favorite book series the the newmoon series
-My favorite movie is wanted, least favorite is 28 weeks later
-I try not to swear or say the word hate, even when emphasizing something
-I always wear too much black/black eyeliner
-Im always find myself complaining about being cold
-I love cuddling. Its my favorite thing about a relationship
-I only wear skinny jeans
-I dont like green
-I play yellowcar better then anyone else Ive met
-I have really big eyes
-I find the wierdest things funny/interesting
-Michell Davis is audorable
-Garth leaves the best picturecomments, and I barely ever talked to him
-Every guy I have dated has four letters in his name. This new one will change that [:
-I love to dance to absolutely anything
-Monthlies are the grossest thing ever
-I do take birthcontrol
-I am bipolar, i swear
-I dont like getting in the showers, but once im in i dont want to get out
-I cant stand it when people dont reply to messages, just cause im like that
-I am always wearing my peace necklace
-I really like rollarcoasters just for the adrenaline rush
-When people like someone, just tell them. it's a lot easier
-Smoothies are yummy, really yummy
-I love playing galo 3 [as nickkk says]
-Lucky charms are the best cereal


I want to cry.
No, i want to hug you and never let go [:
Cause your my, my true love, my whole world. Please don't throw that away. I'll never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever.I love listening to this song. It makes me want to just cuddle up with you and fall asleep. You make time stop just to make sure I am happy every second of the day. Tonight is dedicated to you, lol. We are going to talk and mess around for a gajilions hours, because I miss you right now. I just talked to you on msn, too. Bleh, school should be over already. I love you babe.

"Stop taking my beanie!"

My friend asked my why your relationship status is engaged. What did you say?! I nocked a girl up once, we had a retarded baby and now we are getting married, but its chill because i love her.
Today was a loooot of fun. I really like this guy. Its wierd because i was telling karissa i think it was going away, and it like grew a huge amount in a few hours. I couldnt tell if we were flirting but im so blind. I have to ask karissa later. My nose kept hurting from it all though. Stupid things.
What if he tells you not to talk to me? Hes not another "you know who" alrighhhty? Bleh, thats terrible. I get so wipped. Its so bad but oh welll. This guy is something new and what i like. Ahh, i have butterflies.
I actually had to look on how to spell luaren, hahah.
Wow! I spelt it wrong, and i didnt realise that until i went back and reread this, then looking at our conversation to check.

My blogs are really pointless and i dont have it up on my myspace anymore. i like the people that read it to be the only ones. there is some dirty stuff in here. Ive changed so much that its shocking.
I was told i am a complete different person in person if that makes sense?
Random facts-
-im dying my hair white blonde
-i am a vegetarian
-my favorite song is your guardian angel but for someone else
-i could live off ramen, even though i can only eat two flavors
-i am really quiet, normaly meaning i am off in space thinking
-i like coffee just because its nice to curle up in a chair and drink
-i could die talking to gus on the phone and id be happy with that
-i only flat iron my hangs
-i am over any person i have dated, or i feel like i am
-i love one person, and i love him to pieces
-i think archel has the cutest hair ever
-i say cute, sorry, like, and not funny way to much
-i dont like jelly, but that is what im called
-i listen to too much metal now
-i deleted any person who started drama, starts drama, or lied/lies to me
-when i like someone, i still feel like i am cheating
-i always wear a beanie because its cute
-im not as stubborn as i used to be
-i change so much, but i am steadying into one final being
-gus is the most amazing person ever
-i love inside jokes and talking about how crazy my life is
-ive been drunk three times but ive never done drugs
-i bake way too much
-my favorite color is red
-i eat either bakepotatoes or fries EVERY day, no lie
-i am happy with my wieght finally
-i dont care about what you think unless i trully care about you
-i think goober, josiah, and schmitty are the cutest people, but i would never be trully attracted to them in a relationship standurd

I drank it all whole

Don't ever talk to him like that again, okay? Seriosly, I know you get attatched easily but you have no right talking to him like that. He means a lot to me and if you are going to be such a dick to him then just bugger off. I dont want anything to do with you if you have no respect for him. You dont even no him. Please, grow up love. If i ever hear about you messing with him again, im going to get at you real bad. I delete everyone that causes any type of drama, which is probally why i havent had any in a long time, and your next. I know im being rude but you had no right to speak to him that way.
If he ever messes with you again, beth, ill tie a bandana around your eyes and show him something called submission. I cant say id be happy about that, but i just liked how the first thing you thought of was how i didnt like to see or hear about people being physicly hurt. You really know me.
Everyone keeps telling me i am way too quiet. Even dr.mills said that. Its always at like..the wrong times too. Thats just me for you, lol. I was also told i have the british accent again and that i say a lot of the words, and i didnt realise that. Im in a wierd mood. I am typing differently. Im the girl version of nick. Im in a poetic mood. lol, That kid cracks me up.
Tonight was interesting. I tried some new things and jeese did they turn out good. I didnt get too much of anything though. Thank you eddie. I actually get along with eddie too, and i hung out with jessica for the first time out of school. It was fun, in a way. Everyone was laughing at my dancing. Schmitty called me his bad luck charm because i always make him loose. I have like this power, and if i say things at the right time, what i say goes. Its hard to understand, ask him. lol, he understands it. I found the two

"So, you want to hang out?"

I always say please dont fight in front of me, because i always worry that itll turn out into something bad. Things happened and resulted in my first bloody nose and blood all over the floor, my legs, arms, clothes, and a gross shower. I cant lean my head back without the reminder that i was punched a couple of times. Ive never been punched before so that was something new.I was hiberventalating for some reason. Or something to do with my breathing. I dont know what happened, but i could speak because i was breathing so hard. I didnt really understand it. I was nocked up pretty bad. I know i know i deserve everything givin to me. The phone call after was pretty intense, but i just couldnt stop smiling. I love you babe. I wrote you a really pretty truth box note. Im sure you it will make you happy. Things have changed so much.
So much for wearing that peace sign, huh? I have to babysit for another three hours, but that gives me time to get ready and clean my room. MovieDay<3.
My dad is up so i am going to bed. I woke up way to early, just to read my messages. Today I am going to the movies. I am excited. I work all next week, which should be fun. [sarcasm] I have to miss small group, though. Im really bummed. Oh well, it happens.
Im tired, and a lot is happening today. <3!

Give me something

If cupid has a gun, hes shooting. Im happy.

You wont believe it

SO!
There is a child molester on the loose. Im sort of scared. There is seven children on his belt. He is apparently on his way to London in a taxi. I hope they find him.

But, be posotive.
The guy I like sent me this:
"i think you are a beautiful girl who deserves a good man(if you dont already got one) PS nice pic i like it ;)"


<3
My day just got 100 times better.

I went to sleep really happy. I love talking on the phone with my peanutbutter. I am so happy him and I are so close as friends. No matter what anyone says. <3
Thank you Babe.

I haven't fallen for you yet

There is so many middle schoolers going to the homecoming. I was like jeese. Andre said he wasnt going anymore whne I told him that. B| I am having the wierdest day and my baby isnt on for me to tell him. I dont want to call him 'cause I get too nervous and I cant really go looking for him. My sister wont stop singing to 30h!3, and Im about to explode if she doesnt stop. I found out last night (thanks to Gabe :) that bring me the horizon is playing in Norwich on the 13.
Oh thank God, he came on.
Brandon made me feel real good yesterday. Hes the best brother that I could ever ask for. Hes there for me through everything. This guy that really likes me is making it all difficult. Thanks for helping me out Brandon. You are the best, you deserve it all.
So, Gabe said I was pretty bogus since I havent gone to a concert, so we are all going together. Im really excited. I have to buy there shirt or a babycakes shirt. New clothes too, lol. My mom made my cry earlier though. She really knows how to put me down and hit it right (that came out wrong) when she wants to. I dont freaking starve myself. I am gaining if anything. I dont care about all that anymore. I am happy eating and living it up to how I want.
I want to crawl up in a ball and stay that


I'm learning. Gus just needs to drill some things in first. Youre doing great.
My day is getting better. Baking chocolate muffins :D
and cute messages from someone who i want.
:0!

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Please, oh please just do it.
If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If your dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.

”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you


If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

Girl: Hey Justin!

Babe, this is our song.

Be careful, now

PHONE CALL TIME TOMORROW :DDD
"Dude theres something I have to say right now!"
"shooot"
"I've been dying to say it for like 2 days"
"are you okay babe?"
"I LOVE YOU BETHANY SO FUCKING MUCH!"

babe you are the best thing ever. you make my heart skip a beat.
I am stoked for tomorrow. talk about blind. today was a lot of fun. the love garu is pretty funny. thanks karissa. [:

not to be mean, but she said hey to you, not me. im not ready. sorry.

I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you and I love you.i think its better that you know. [:

He loves everyone, remember that.

I am sorry about writing that blog below about you. I love you like I promised, love.

I like having this secret. I love how things are.
Love
Love
Love

Forever and ever? Ever and ever and ever baby.

This is a really good song. Give it a listen [: I honestly have to say things are the best.



Karma is going to hit you so hard, and I'm going to be here and not even think about it. People will tell me how bad you are, and I'm going to say I don't really care. To be honest, it's true. It's better that way. YOU know it. Goooood luck [:

Listen, love.

I love you beth, I hope you know that I really mean it.
I'm having the worse day, ever. It happens though.
STOP SAYING YOU AREN'T HELPED. you are, so much.

My vioce

Please..

Gus, Kevin, Z, and Ashton you guys better be fucking careful. You've got my stomach full of worry. Tomorrow I am going to be so side-tracked at school.
Be careful!

Where is your mind?

It scares me so much to hear about you not eating just to see me. I am the cause of someone starving. How great am I? I love every single cell in that body of yours, and I care about you as if you were mine. Now eat! Okay? /:
I really am done with this whole impressing stuff. Gus has shown me that I can be myself and yet someone can love my 100% for me. I never understood that until now. I don't mess up with him, I don't argue, I don't do anything. I am doing nothing but be myself and I haven't been so happy in a long time. Thank you Babe.
I am sort of scared, again. I want to see the shreds of him, but I don't want to watch it completely. I know it's wrong but it's just so wrong. Confusing much? I wish I never cared about you, or that you hated me or something. It makes things so much easier. I made up my mind though. I have what I want <3.
I have realised that Eddie means a lot to me, as well. He is like my older brother that I tell everything too. I tell how every single thing that pops in my head. He understands it no matter how confusing it is, [normaly:], and doesn't blow up like I'm used to. He's so calm and fun and understanding. He's going to make me fat with sharing those smoothies and icecreams though..haha. Or how he asks people for there numbo's for me, but they wont give it? I got it in the end. I went to sleep right after. I went to sleep seconds from Gus. :D He's sort of like gus.


Gus is just too amazing, though. [:
Freak-much? HA [:
Gus says:
maddi asked me what I'd do.
Gus says:
if I saw you and you weren't as great as I thought you were.
shut up beth. says:
hmm
shut up beth. says:
what did you say?
Gus says:
haha.
Gus says:
uh oh.
Gus says:
=P
Gus says:
I said.
Gus says:
There's no way she won't be as great as I think. She'll be the best. maybe a little shy at first but I'd spend the whole day with her because it's fucking beth. My jelly and my dollface. The girl I look forward to talking to everyday and look forward to seeing more than anyone.
shut up beth. says:
: DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
shut up beth. says:
i want o scream of happiness : D
shut up beth. says:
akdjfak;df Gus! you are SO AMAZING
shut up beth. says:
and good to me, and
shut up beth. says:
everything
shut up beth. says:
I promise to try my hardest to be as possbley good to you as I can
shut up beth. says:
and I am sure the second ill see you i might be a little quiet on the talking
shut up beth. says:
but ill give you the BIGGGEST hug EVER [:
shut up beth. says:
cause i cant watit o see you
shut up beth. says:
you make me have butterflies
shut up beth. says:
and os happy : D
shut up beth. says:
aldfkla;sdj <3!
shut up beth. says:
GUS : D

How mean am I?

When I read that last paragraph, I screamed badass inside. Ha, he owns absolutely everything. [:
Yesterday. was so bad, except for the fact that I was super quiet towards the end. I have a feeling why I was, but I was like no! I don't remember who that was with, but when we were all like, "She's just..so! ugly." That was so mean. I can't believe I even went along with it beause normaly I don't say anything about how people look. I really think I don't like this girl. When I got home I had a message, and a talk with PB, and he's going to call me today. So, that automaticly makes today own like crazy, no joke. I can't wait.
I am so happy with how things have turned out in the end. I want! things to be this way, actually. I have everyone that I want and most everything that I need. I didn't loose anything I wanted. If I didn't want something, I don't have it now. I am not always arguing or crying or trying to explain myself. Yupppp.
Today, I have to run. Then, I have homework, and then I am just talking to people on here. I feel bad that things didn't work out with Carly, but I think it'll be okay. Tomorrow's club as well, and I get to see eevveerryyoonnnee. I think more people are going to be coming this time, too. I hope so.
I am being teased by Z for my grades. A's are good, okay? LOL! I am pretty happy we are cool again. I need that kid.
That's all for now.


I tell him everything that goes on in my life.
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:so how you doing
shut up beth. says:i am pretty good
shut up beth. says:the ex and i are officallly over, FINALLY : D
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:?????
shut up beth. says:like
shut up beth. says:i'm done. i'm finished
shut up beth. says:lol
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:with cody or what?
shut up beth. says:ha
shut up beth. says:ya
shut up beth. says:[ :
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:wait..i thought you guys were over for ever ago
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:or what?
shut up beth. says:like
shut up beth. says:well, he got back form the states right
shut up beth. says:and he waslike
shut up beth. says:i missed you like crazy and i love you so much
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:how the fuck does that work
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:he doesnt even see you or anything
shut up beth. says:and in the end, we already aguid a bit
shut up beth. says:and i was like
shut up beth. says:i dont want this shit anymore
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:and doesnt he say that he loves everyone?
shut up beth. says:and i dont wnat him
shut up beth. says:HAHAHAHAHAH!
shut up beth. says:that's what I! said
shut up beth. says:omfg!
starstorm270@yahoo.com says:yuiugad;igud igydzvk

Whoes hand are you going to take, Beth?

What if I died right now? What if I jumped off the tallest, closest building, or there was a fire while I was sleeping, and I burned to ashes. What if I walked out side and crossing a street and a car ran over me? What if they found out I had cancer and I only had another day or two to live? What if someone found me while I was walking home and kidnapped me for ever? You are so busy being so bi-polar and confusing that you didn't even think that maybe I would decide to leave you. That maybe I am not going sit here until you are ready to decide for yourself. You didn't know what I have just as much power as you did in this situation. What if I don't want you at all anymore? I am only going to take this for so much time, and eventually I am just going to leave you for good, and I am about to. Any second from now I am going to tell you I don't care anymore. I don't want you, your lies, or all your dumb words. I don't want to sit there and argue with you, watch what I say, and try to impress you.
I know who I want now, and it's not you anymore.


did you know how much you meant to me? oh no. did you know i still carry the memories? oh no. did you know that for me, letting go wasn't easy? oh no, no you don't. do you still listen to our lullaby? oh no. does it help you get to sleep at night? oh no. are you singing along by the pale moonlight? oh no, no you don't. i just need a bit more time to get you off my mind tonight. i'm thinking of your bright blue eyes, brighter than the stars that lit the skies... an angel in disguise. i just need a bit more time, i want to hold you in my arms tonight. i can't forget those bright blue eyes, can't forget the moment they met mine... please turn back the time.
good song. ha, jellybelly and peanutbutter do it better.

Strong as a tank.

shush beth says:
Well, I hope that girl does good and that she never hurts you [:
shush beth says:
at all, 'cause ill know shell try hard not too
Gus says:
she won't hurt me.
Gus says:
I'm still a tank and no matter what she does she cant screw it up.
shush beth says:
I sure as hell hope so
shush beth says:
realllly! hope
Gus says:
why does this girl think she could lose me as a friend/
shush beth says:
cause this girl is the biggest freaking screw up to walk this earth. she cant never ever keep something good for long
Gus says:
Well this guy thinks this girl is the biggest work of perfection to walk this earth. and she can keep him as long as she wants.
shush beth says:
then I am keeping you forever [:

he's a beast, to die for, fucking amazing. everything [:

This is me

I would never, ever be here with out Gus. I never thought I could get this far. Thank you, babe, once again. You have no idea how much you have helped.
[:

Meet my new best friend. The best thing to step in my life.

Gus says:you have no idea how strongly you've impacted my weekend.
shush beth says:did i really?
shush beth says:i am sooo happy that i met you
Gus says:Dollface you we're my weekend haha.
Gus says:and I'm extremely happy I met you
shush beth says:I am extremely happy too [:
shush beth says:you are so amazing good to me
shush beth says:and like my bestESTest friend ever
shush beth says:And i barely no you
shush beth says:but that has to change [:
Gus says:yes it does.
Gus says:I will never be bad to you.
Gus says:no matter what =)
shush beth says:aww
shush beth says:and i will try my best to never hurt or upset you
shush beth says:i can't promise anything, to be honest..i have a bad habit of screwing things up
shush beth says:but i swear im going to try my hardest
Gus says:Beth I don't think you could ever screw up with me.
Gus says:I have a bad habit.
Gus says:Of never getting mad or upset as someone who means a lot to me.
I don't think I know a single person who has been so good to me. I care about him so much, already. I miss it when he's not online, and I am. Thank you, Gus, really.

Do it

hibethany@live.com

Please add. Thank you. [:
I don't want some of the people on my old acount.

I mean it

Sean Lovett, you are a lucky bitch. Rub it in, rub it in. haaa
I hate going to the stupid church thing and then finding out all they do is talk about relationships. I don't want to talk about my ex. It's so lame. No one cares, and stuff. I hadn't for an entire week. Then Karissa got my crying. How good is that? I had the lamest dreams as well. I killed a baby, and my ex and mine family thing. I woke up all pissed, lol.
Today's Friday, though. Kopecky's house, I think.
:D




Oh, and I really think I like this guy.
[:

I mean it. You are the best I've had. I mean it.

babe, babe, and babe
Kevin, Brandon [9th grader], and Zerias; right now you guys are my three favorite people.
I love you three, you make me smile real wide. Thank you for everything. Oh, and I really have to sort things out between you three. Which was a lot easier then I though. Thank you Zerias.
Honestly, I think what I like about you most is the way you make me feel. And the way I know what I will feel.

Dr. Mills seems intimidating or something. How lame does that sound? My classes are:
1-Art
2-Science
3-English
4-Spanish II
5-Video Production
6-Algebra I
7-U.S. History
My classes seem cool so far.
I ate two apples for supper, and I am completely full. I'm not going on some lame diet or anything. I couldn't find anything good. No ramen, in other words. It sucks.
I fell asleep with no problem..finally. I didn't lay there for an hour or two just to think or anything. It was nice. I had the wierdest dreams though. It was really awkward.
I have to finish getting ready for school. That's all for now.

It's not the color, it's the over all picture

I want to say that nothing in this blog is intended to start drama. This is mainly to those two girls that wont leave me alone, or stop talking about me..?

My first day of school was really good. My scheduale is all funny, but when I get it sorted out I will write it down on here. I am in Algebra I and Spanish II, though. That means that if I do super well in those two classes, I will have three credits completed for highschool before I even hit highschool. That is pretty cool, lol.
I was thinking about something Sammy told me last night. That was that I shouldn't rely on a guy to make me happy, and I do like crazy. It's normaly Zerias or Brandon, 'cause my ex sort of sucks at it now. [No offense Cody :] I noticed that I rely on a lot of girls, too, which is better. Now that school is back I am sure I will become better friends with a lot of the people there. Elisabeth and I are already pretty close.
This whole eating no white or red meat thing is harder then I thought. It is not that bad though. I really don't want to loose any weight from it though. I think Brandon and Carly have finally convinced me that I am not that! bad. I can still eat seafood, and I do a lot now. It is pretty cool because not Stephany, Keily, and Maira are the same thing. I found that real funny, lmfao.
Oh, and I met this kid yesterday. Brandon. He is pretty freaking awesome. He is so sweet to me. I wish he lived closer >:/. It sucks so bad. I can't wait to see him, haha. Funfunfun.
Oh, and I didn't choose this color 'cause it was the ex's favorite. Okay? I hate explaining that.

That is all :']

There is more then just the frame.

"That guy totally checked you out, Beth!"
My little sister talks really preppy-like. She is a pain, but over all not so bad.
My hair is now black. It is different. Everyone so far seems to like it. Zerias' opinion matters most.

Get to know him. Okay?

7.
What's his/her favorite show?
He watches more T.V. then I ever will.

9.
Will you marry him/her?
No


11.
What is his/her favorite food?
NO!
It's spaghetti

Oh, and yes
his birthday is the 2nd of November
[:

Don't get on and on about the stocking. There is a reason you are here even though you are deleted, right?
I just read it, and I wanted to tell you what was wrong.
Okay?

There was not one misspelled word

I know that when she writes a blog, she never writes it to please anyone else. Every word that she wrote, though, made my stomach turn and turn. It is as though she is writing what in a year I will be going through. I hope that it doesn't last that long. That years and years to come I am still going to think about you every second. I couldn't deal with that for that long. It's really wierd. One second I am so happy about the situation, and I love being what I am that I am. Then, the next second, I'm just blah.
I just want someone new. I want someone to take my mind off of you, and all of this. I found some friends that help and I love them so much. Maybe I am just too scared of getting hurt again. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to move on. It's so hard when every day I still get the reminder of how you feel. How much you care and love me. I don't want you to. I want to be the one left on the curb. I feel so alone and yet I know that I have everyone, more people then I had before this happened. Maybe it is just the feeling of the moment. I think so hard about everything even though I tell myself not to. Yet, when I don't, I feel like I am making a mistake in one way or another. I don't want to be pushed around so much, but I allow it. I allow it to happen to me all over again and again. So, right now I am going crazy and I am worrying. What if something happens to you. What if this is all permanent.
I hate anxiety. Fuck you.


I really need to start taking Kev's advice. I am so dumb.

bombbombbomb[:

Today was crap loadz of fun [:
Eddie, I could NOT stop laughing. You are the bestestetetstetsetesttstest
Tony is funnnnnnnnnAY, but super mean! :D, even though everyone sort of agrees /:
Brannndooooooo needs to STOP tickling, cause it is nerver wrecking, looolllzz
:D, ilovemybbroother

that's all [:

Today

Today was soooo wierd. Jeese
I don't see why guys always hurt themselves, or people in general. It is as though they think that hurting themselves makes the situation better. >:/
No, it doesn't.
I was scared like crazy all the time today, as well

I was thinkingggg about stuffff today
I am going to break all the promises I have ever made during the past seven months
It is easier to let things go if I do
I wont be the same person, or something
/:
What's the point in keeping them if the other already broke them all?
It's not a good thing
But ChrisSSTTOOEKK is going to help me out
[don't take that perverted in any way :]

anyWAYZ, Tonight we are having a second sleep over. I love them [:
We are so jakkkked up,
HAHAH!

Email[:

I am super bored at the moment
and willling to talk to anyone
lol, This is a baaaaaaaaaaaad habbit that I have gotten into
I need to get outside before five o'clock

I barely slept last night /:
So tonight should be rather interesting

But! anways
make sure you add my new email
it's on my MYSPACE

TALKTALKTALK:D

I'm sorry

This is terrible and I am so sorry



I wish someone would talk to me just to talk to me

just to help me out, take my mind off of this

This is almost unbearable

Help /:

Tell me what you think [:

I actually didn't post one for a day. Ay, first for everything.
Yesterday I beat my record in Halo of kills. I don't really want to say how many, though. I suck big ballz in that game. [Please, believe me Michael :]
I really like being single now, and I am over most of the crap that has happened. I am happy that it did, I learned a lot from all of it.

I am actually looking forward for school starting AND DYING MY HAIR! I need everyones oppinion on what I am doing. I am hella nervous.
It's going to be like hardcore scence. Brandon said he would take the blame if I didn't like it, though. So, there is a plus all around.
But, I was told I would look hot, so I am not worrying thaaaaaaaaaaattt much.
That's all

/:

"Oh, you mean that slimy sleese ball?"

that was an adult
how bad is that?


Anyways, today was pretty fun
I suck at guitar hero though
haha [:

Carly is so much fun

To make things clear

Okay, I wanted to tell everyone this:

There is no more crap talking about my ex

What happened was between him and I. Only the people that were hurt by him have room to say anything.

It's really getting on my nerves, so please stop.

[this does not apply to Zerias or Brandon Kopecky.]

Annnnyways:
My mom is not to big on the idea of gaging my ears. Which..really sucks. Zerias said I should just go ahead and do it, but I am not sure. I might just do it to like 6 or something.
I want to learn to skate too, just for the hell of it. No girls do that so it would be really cool if I was the first. Haha, Zerias said it would be cool too.
My mom just told me the best damn news EVER!
She said that she wants to see if we can go to Germany in October, November time for a holiday, just a break.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : D
Zerias!

McMickell

Yesterday was loads of fun, except for the fact that I was so tired and I kept spacing out, haha. [:
I love piggy-back rides and when my shoe kept falling off! Or the whole "HOLY WATTTTTTER!" thinnGAY that we had going on. LMFAO
When I got home I wasn't aloud on the computer because my parents were already asleep. I played Halo for a while then I was so tired I was just like forget it, I don't care.
Then! I couldn't sleep. I was thinking for a while and it was not such a bad thing that I wasn't aloud on. I wouldn't be able to talk to a few people for a few days and I was pretty happy about that.
I woke up and I got a message from Steven and he was telling me about how he is leaving for a few days and that I shouldn't do anything he wouldn't and he loved me and such.
It made me feel so loved and happy. [:
Everything is pretty good and I love it.

You are a bitch, Beth.

I am pretty happy about how things ended. I don't feel the need to try anymore, and that it really is time to move on, and such. So, I really am going to. I am happier about the way I am dealing with things. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Zerias!, Becca, or Julie. Thank you guys so much. [:

I am haning out with Carly and Brando and all of them today. I am pretty stoked 'cause she is real sweet and Brandooooo and I are doing real well.

Oh, and I love the name Zerias has made.
"Little Bitch"
HAHA!

random

I can't find the stupid head phones to listen to music. I think my dad did something with them. Gaa
Things are just getting boring and I sort of want to let go. That sounds terrible, but I really don't care. I want to meet new people real bad and start over. Anyways..


I felt so bad when I woke up this morning. The first thing that popped into my head was when I was at the library with John and Josh and all of them. John, you are so mean.
lol [:

I was also thinking about school for some weird reason. I can't wait to actually like someone in my grade. I doubt that will happen..knowing me. That would be like hella cool though.
I also can't wait for high school, I would already know everyone.
It sucks so many people moved, though. Kopecky will even be gone, dang.
Im'ma miss everyone like crazy. Especially the Kopecky's..I love being over there house.

I want someone new, and someone who treats me better. Someone who I could never get bored talking to, and someone who makes me smile. Oh, and someone who would never hurt me.
I will find him sommmmeeday. [:

I'm lame

I guess I spoke too soon. That is alright, I suppose. I want to take Joe's advice because I know what is right. It's just that there is more then just that. I am relying on false hope and I know it.
I wish I was smart enough to go with what I know. I know I am doing the dumb thing but I do it anyways. I know that it is wrong and that I am being a hypocrite about it all but I do it anyways. I am being used and I know it, but I allow it anyways. That's real smart of me, huh?
I need help or something.

Too fucking bad

I thought I could do this but I can't.
I'm giving up, and that's final.


Zerias, get online now.

gah ]:

It's hard knowing what to do if you want to do what's right
What is right?

wow, Beth

I woke up three or four times while sleeping and two of the times what I went back to sleep I had a dream. They were really wierd and I didn't like them.
This is all really difficult and confusing. I am not sure how much I can deal with it all. It's sort of hard trying to do so many things at once. Blah..

Today I have like no plans yet, except for no one works today, [that I know of], so I will chill over theres then bring us all to the movies. [:


I really can't wait for the next two months to fly by. It's going to beee hoooooot
HAHA

You two

Aaay, believe it or not, the world does not revolve around you. Not everything I type is all about you.
okay?


I'm doing a lot better [:
I have to work on jealousy, but I am not as bad. Julie is actually helping without knowing.
I'm extremely tired and I might go to bed soon.
keep me awake!

]:

Joe said:
okay
Joe said:
first off
Joe said:
calm the fuck down


i EXPLODED

I just thought you should know

I like that I can tell you I Love You.
'caaauuse I mean it Babbbycakezz. BESTBESTTTIIIE<3



two months. [:

shutup, beth

I hate how things are always so difficult. Like, they just can't be simple for once. No one can just like someone, and like them. Or love them, just because they love them. They have to get all serious and technical, and you have to be all perfect and they way they want you to be. They can't just LOVE you, they have to love you and millions of other people, or hate everything about you and like you over all. There is never just two people, there is the couple, and the millions surrounded.
and you can't be perfect, no, you have to be "pissing them off" or "saying the wrong damn thing". Have anyone thought for once they what they say pisses us right off, and what you do and how you act and what you write makes us want to push them off a cliff, but that you hold it all in and say there is nothing wrong. You sit there and complain and BLAHBLAH on how what we are doing is sooooooooooooooooooooooo wrong, but you are doing it right in front of our damn face and you know it!, but no..I am not aloud to say a single thing. because I am wrong for that, I pisss you offfff. i can't be someone you just talk to.
that's another thing, i have to try to talk to you. they can't just SAY it, they have to go all..ajsklj! and such. They wont make it simple either, by doing the right thing. That's the worst thing to. Here you are doing everything wrong and being a complete ass whole apparently, when they are doing a million times worse and being two faced, and like..you have two different people in one body. believe it or not we are not toys, and you cant have us just when you feel like it. that is why we don't rely on you or anything anymore.
but at least you don't sit there and bitch them out for everything they do, when they sit there and get pissed at every single damn word.
you can't just TALK
I am not even in a relationship and I don't want to be, and I'm all jacked up about this.
I like being single, and I like that I am letting go. I like, most of all, that I am not listening to everyone around me and that I am not going back, like most thought I would.


I don't even think this song has a proper video. My babbycakez showed it too me. It's really, really good.

cheeeer me up ):

My stomach is going to blow up


I feel like I am going to be sick..
]:

BabblebabbbleBABBBLE

This is like the fourth one in two days, but I really like writing these. I don't think that many people read them anyways. I like it like that.
I put my name down on the list. I have to remember 309 and 358. That is going to be a while. They are apparently firing some people, though. Anyways, while I was out I met up with my friend who I met the day before I went to Germany. He is brand new and really nice. He asked how the trip went and I just gave a short, simple outline with no complaining or put-downs. He said his opinion on it and we quickly changed the subject. He made me feel like I mattered, though, and that every single thing I was saying wasn't pissing him off. Not many guys are like that. It felt really, really good. I am happy that I was one of the first people to meet him.
I am really happy, and I feel whole again. I also feel like I am not a toy, anymore. I am not used to keep you occupied when others can't. I am not relying on anyone that I need to live. I have my friends but they aren't my life line. I admit that I miss having a boyfriend, but who wouldn't [..meaning girls]. I like the idea of having someone by my side, literally, though. I don't want someone too controlling. I am not complaining or trying to put anyone down. I am glad that I went through what I did. I grew sooooooo much. [:

got it?

ZERIAS IS BOSSSSS [: <33

Once you started, you can't stop

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your sideDidn't I,
didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
You know it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
You know it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other but.

It's not all the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized
OoOoOOoMissed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Realize, realizeRealize, realize


This is a really pretty song, and the lyrics are sweet.
[:

:'D

Thank you Olivia. That made me feel really good. [:
Things are a bit better. I finally gave in, because I am dumb enough to go back to the way things used to be. I sort of want it like that, though. I have Sammy, Olivia [:, Becca, BABYCAKEZ, and Cooooodykins for anything and everything. I am posotive that if I really need it, I have Devon, too.
Things are loads better, and I am starting to feel like I found myself again. I'm single, and I feel good about it. I am sure that when school comes around I will start liking someone again.

Anyways, I want coffee, but I burnt my tounge already, so I want coffee that is cold, haha. [:
Slushhhie time

I have it all back <3

fuck it all

i hate how my mooods are changing so fast
and the people


i don't want to be here anymore
i wish it was easier to give up
and i feel like i have noooo one to talk to anymore ]:
i wish someone would atleast try..

give it to me

I want to go to Germany just to stay over your house for one night. I want to learn to skate, force some lucky charms, and play guitar hero, and a few other things :]]]]]]]]]]
that's what i want.

Great..

I don't know what to type, really. I was really dumb last night. I poured out everything and I shouldn't have. I don't want things to go back to normal, again. I don't want to be hurt or anything. I wish I never started talking. I just wanted to hear a few words, and in the end we didn't even say them. I don't know if what anything that was said is even true.
I don't know what to do ]:

things are better, loadz better

today was fun
i spent the ENTIRE day with brandon
and yesterday, i went to this huge BBQ, and everyone got drunk [the adults]
it was so mucchhchhchch fun <3

oh, and i love rockbannnnd

?'z

"What did you do? I tried pain killers."
"What if I told you I liked you?"
"Did you see those guys in the car? All of them were staring at you."
"Do you want me? I want to know. I will wait for you."
"Who do you like?"
"Do you want a cigg?"
"Can you show me your boobz?"
"Do you want to know what it feels like?"
"Hey, do you want to go and get drunk too?"

Dumb

This stuff just seems to get harder and harder.
It's pretty lame.
I made Becca cry. ]:
I'm sorry. I never met to hurt you or anyone else.
I am stupid for saying things that I don't mean or ever meant. It's my fault things are they way they are.

Anyways..
I am going out with a big group of friends and taking an alien picture for Jessika.
I can't wait to talk to Zerias again, he takes everything away.
I love you.

I am surprised

I can't stop biting my tongue when I smile. I never have done that before.
I can't believe you gave me a kiss. I never expected that.
I can't believe I am over all of this. I thought it would be longer.
I can't believe how lucky I am to have Zerias. I am so thank full.
I love my friends.
Thank you all so much.
[:

Just shutup

I don't know anymore.
I just wish things were easier and that I would just stop crying.
I need to grow up.

I miss you babe ]:

Things are a little wierd. I am single again and this summer was not as good as it was before. Everyone agrees, though, that as soon as Brandon is back the summer is going to be loads of fun. We will have all of the group back. [:
Michelle and I are pretty dang good, seeing as we used to hate each other. I miss me bestfriend like crazy though. ]:
and, I love you Zerias
you are my besttesstt

Feel free

I am finally home and it feels so weird. Things are all back to normal. Well, most things. No one is at my house anymore and I am not staying over any ones. I am making plans two minutes before I get out of the house and talking on the phone for a million hours. Texting and arguing with my parents. ]:
I was hoping things would be a bit different. I have only been back for just over 12 hours, we will see how things go. I really just want to hang out with John or just some one to take my mind off of everything. So, feel free to ask to make plans. [:
Things are too confusing and messed up. I want to end everything but then something says (my mom) I should just keep trying. What Michelle says is right, though.
akljk;dfjalksdfjasdf. I'm so screwed up.

Coming home

Things are loads better. Cody and I are such a wierd couple. He deserved everything though in the end. ]:
I come home on the 23th. I don't want to. I hope I get to hang out with some one to keep my mind off of all of it.
gaah
that's all.

I want to leave

I haven't wrote in my blog in a while.
I'm in Germany
I want to be home
That's all

That's all

My hair is black. Zerias is my only rock right now. Josh is a huge help without knowing. I don't know where things are going. It's all shit.
That's pretty much it.

Change

I want to dye my hair again. I am not sure how, though. My hair is so normal and I don't like it at all. It's boring and I don't want to be like everyone else. Blah
Anways, today was pretty fun. I went to Warwick Castle. It was pretty good. The steps were really steep and spiral and the haunted house made me scream like 10 times. I am so lame. Tomorrow we are planning on going to Stone Henge. That is going to be a lot of fun, as well.
When I got home I had ramen and found out my clothes are here. Hell yeah, bonus. Ha!
I get to see Cody on Friday, as well.

Cody Cody Cody

I watched Because I Said So yesterday. It was a really good movie. I thought about Cody then entire time. I can't wait to watch a movie with him again. After that we all went to bed. Amanda and I talked until 1 about everything. In the end I wanted to call Cody so bad. I thought he might be asleep though, so I never did. Then I woke up at 10:15, and stayed in bed until 11:30 just thinking about him. I am pretty sad, huh? I have been thinking about him so much. I am so happy to have him. My husband is amazing.
Anyways, tomorrow I am going to Cadburys World and on Thursday we are planning on going to Stone Henge. It's going to be fun, I hope. Then, on Friday I go to Germany! I can't wait at all. I'm hella excited.

Mm, that's all.

My cousin is finally over. She is really sweet. She noticed Amy straight away. She completely walked past me. My mom pointed me out. She turned around and her eyes went all wide,"That's Bethany? You look completely different!", It was really funny. Apparently my face is completely different. I don't really know.
Today is the fourth of July. John still hasn't called me so I have know clue how that is going down. I guess I just have to find him. I also get to see everyone tonight. I am looking forward to it. My cousin will probably be hanging with me. It's will be cool.
7 DAYS [: until I see Cody. I am oober excited. I can't wait to see him.


Mm, That's all.

I wish too much

Today is so blah. I can't wait for the wrest of my family to come home, and tomorrow. It's going to be a full house.
I wish everyone would just get along. I wish Taylor was still here. I wish Cody lived her, as well. I wish fights never happened. I wish I didn't have to try so hard. I wish my parents understood. I wish I met Katie. I wish everyone would ask me instead of listening to everyone else. I wish I could listen to what I want and dress how I want with out someone complaining. I wish Zerias lived here and I could go to him when ever I wanted. I wish I new how to act when I am talking to Sammy and Becca. I wish Michelle and Bloo weren't so difficult and rude. I wish people would realise I am not perfect. I wish I was in 9th grade. I wish I never lived here. I wish I could just give up. I wish things weren't so hard. I wish I could just enjoy myself. I wish I never had to miss. I wish I wasn't so caring. I wish I never had to give up. I wish things weren't so fucking confusing.
Oh well


That's all I guess

9 Days

Lately, things are not going the greatest. My dad had a go at me and said I wasn't going to Germany because of my room being messy. The reason being I was rushing to go see Taylor for the last time and I threw my clothes on the ground trying to find something decent. My mom has been even more picky on how the house looks because my cousin is coming. My dad is getting super stressed over little things. It's been pretty stupid.
Also, I hate when people try to start drama over myspace. I have decided I am not going to talk to any drama filled, slutty people. I hate when people act like that. It's so annoying. They really need to learn to grow up.
I feel like a bitch right now. That's great.


Over all, things are getting better. Six months I have been with Cody! We are the perfect couple, haha. I get to see him again in 9 days. I can't wait. My birthday is on the same day as well, the 11th. I am really excited.
Mmm, that's all.

I am a boy

I had two sleep overs with Taylor. It was a lot of fun. The second one I really, really needed. My parents were nagging my like crazy and I was going insane. I am so glad I went. She is leaving in two days, though. Blah, this is going to suck.
I got my haircut. I officially think I look like a boy. My bangs are two inches shorted or something. It is gross, and I hate it. I feel so stupid for doing that. I am so mad at myself. I should of listened to Cody. He told me not to go. I was stupid enough to go anyways. I should of just got a complete trim. The picture I have up on Myspace doesn't even show how it looks. It is terrible, though. I am a boy!
Other then those few things, summer is still pretty good. I get to see Cody in 12 days, I think. I am really excited. It's going to be the highlight of the summer.
Mm, that's all.

You never know

Becca has inspired me to write one of these. I think it would be a good idea, much for the same idea she has. Taylor will also know what's been going on lately. Well, that's if I keep up with this thing.

Taylor happens to be moving in five days. I really don't know what I am going to do with out her. I feel pretty lame saying that, but she does happen to be my best friend. It's going to be so weird with out her. I can't run over her house, or anything, when I am feeling down, or I just want to go out with some one. No one is ever going to replace her. I am going to visit her a million times before she moves. (:

We would of had our sleep over, but we were stupid enough to go to that damn party. Oh well, I'll get over it.

To make things better, Cody's not feeling well. I hate it so much when he is like this, because it makes me feel terrible as well. I wish I was there. Distance is such a pain. He's worth pretty much everything, though.

A few things came out of today, so far, though. Michelle and I are "alright" now. I got to talk to Cody on the phone ever though it's not the day I should be.

Mm, so after loads of trouble, we have found out I am actually going to Germany ont he 11th. I am really excited.

Today finally turned out to be amazing. [:

Mm, that's all.